Once is enough

There are some travel moments that are truly once in a lifetime experiences - riding a hot air balloon over Cappadocia, trekking to Machu Picchu, gazing the northern lights, or stepping onto an Antarctic glacier. Meanwhile, there are other experiences that are also once in a lifetime, though in another sense, that once is enough.

Cruising on the Cancun Strip

In the early noughties Cancun rose to prominence on the back of the reality documentary ‘The Real Cancun.’ Like most other reality TV productions, The Real Cancun bears little resemblance to reality, as it follows a group of obnoxious and insufferable American college students on their spring break. While the film was a flop, it did succeed in putting Cancun on the radar of international travellers. In 2006, when travelling in Mexico with my ex-girlfriend, we were sucked into the hype. We discovered that the Cancun Strip is one of the least Mexican places in Mexico, in fact, you might as well be in Miami. Hotels stretch as far as the eye can see, and the only hint of being in Mexico are the cleaning staff at the hotel. Once is more than enough when it comes to Cancun, never is advisable.

Real? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Laughing at the ‘jokes’ of Egyptian men

Egypt was inside the first dozen countries I visited, and the novelty of the world was still fresh. In Cairo, I met Kristine, a solo traveller from New Zealand. After one day in Egypt, she was regretting her decision to visit alone and asked if we could travel together. Initially, the jokes from the Egyptian men seemed funny and innocuous, ‘You have a beautiful wife sir, how many camels for her?’ Hour after hour, day after day, the comments grew less funny and just became annoying. Our trip culminated with a strange sexual proposal from a man in Luxor, and much of the novelty of the world was erased within the space of a week.

Bali: Paradise Lost

As Cancun is for Americans, Bali is the playground for hedonistic Australians. The heyday of the Indonesian island was the 1970s, and from all accounts it really was the paradise that invokes so much nostalgia. These days, Bali is overrun with digital nomads, lifestyle gurus, and influencers. Previously sleepy towns like Canggu and Ubud have seen more development than Joan Rivers’ face and have, like said face, been ruined beyond comprehension. As for Kuta, well that place is a write off, a debaucherous strip of nightclubs and massage parlours where the worst excesses of cashed up bogans are allowed to run free, wild and untamed.

Kuta: Where you can buy a glittering penis on the path to enlightenment

A hangover in the heat

Nursing a hangover anywhere is never fun. Although if it’s Thailand or Mexico there may be a sea view and some nice food to ease the pain. But if you’re hungover in Burkina Faso and it’s 44 degrees and dry, then it's another kind of hell altogether. To make things worse, there’s no air-conditioning and the fan is clicking loudly as it blows the hot air inside the room in circles. The street food is tasteless, not designed to cure hangovers, and the only saving grace is a bottle of cold Coca-Cola. After experiencing a hangover in the hell-heat of West Africa, it’s enough to make you quit drinking, at least temporarily.

Shopping Malls in the Desert

If shopping malls, skyscrapers, and man-made islands are the selling point of a destination then you really must wonder why anyone would bother. Every city in the world has shopping malls, and most cities have, if not skyscrapers, large buildings, and man-made islands are only impressive when viewed from above. So why is anyone impressed by Dubai? I was lucky to have friends living in Old Dubai when I passed through for the first time. This allowed me to experience a slither of the reconstructed, ‘old town,’ and some of the best restaurants. Meanwhile, Emirati customs agents are some of the rudest people you’ll have the displeasure of meeting, and Dubai is one of the least interesting places to visit. Once is enough.

The Gulf amusement park known as Dubai

Tubing in Laos

Not everything on this list is negative, and tubing in Laos was one of the most fun experiences I had when travelling. In your twenties, cruising on an inflatable raft, drinking dodgy whisky, and jumping from ridiculous heights into a river is great fun! However, there are serious risks with tubing, from alcohol poisoning and drug overdoses, to drowning or breaking your neck on a rock. Unsurprisingly, tubing was banned in 2012, and its resurrection has been much more controlled and sanitised. I feel lucky to have experienced tubing in 2008, though like the man fleeing from a lion’s den, I won’t be returning to retrieve my hat.

Tubing in Vang Vieng, Laos

A pop-top African safari

The first time you spot a giraffe, elephant, zebra, or lion in the wild is an unforgettable moment. If you’re lucky enough to spy a rhinoceros, leopard, or experience the wildebeest migration then you’ve done one better. The vast plains of the Maasai Mara / Serengeti, the Ngorongoro Crater, and Lake Naivasha are some of the most spectacular places in the world to experience African wildlife. However, after two or three days, it’s probably enough. The reality of African safaris is a lot of time bouncing around on potholed dirt roads, drivers racing between rumoured sightings, bland lunch packs – all at increasingly exorbitant prices.

Lions vs. Buffalo, watched by wazungu

Riding in a Southeast Asian ‘sleeper bus’

There are some activities that while once is enough, a second and third time is not always avoidable. Anyone who has ever ridden in a ‘sleeper bus’ through Southeast Asia will know that this is false advertising at its finest! Eight hours on a non-reclining seat, with the air-conditioning blasting, and a C grade action movie playing on the TV, is enough to make anyone swear that once is enough. Though as a stu-string backpacker in Southeast Asia, while once was enough, the budget lured me back.

Weary backpackers in Thailand after a night on a sleeper bus

The Big Apple

New York City - The Big Apple, The City That Never Sleeps, The City of Dreams, etc, etc. NYC is dazzling and is overwhelming the first time you visit. Your head spins from all the recognisable landmarks that you’ve seen on film. As the densest major city in the US it can feel claustrophobic and is an assault on the senses. All of this is part of New York’s allure, though it can also be a turn off. City noise penetrates every corner of New York, and even in Central Park there is no quiet. New York is an incredible city, with a fascinating history, quirky characters, music scenes, food scenes, good transport, and plenty to do, but for me, once was enough.

The Sultanate of Brunei

For the country collectors, there are some places you must visit. The Sultanate of Brunei, on the island of Borneo, is one such place. A royal enclave within Malaysia, Brunei is one of the most boring countries I have visited and sits comfortably in my bottom five (it also has a bad flag - yellow and white are a terrible combination of colours, but that’s another story). The capital, Bandar Seri Begawan, has some ok mosques, some of the beaches are nice, and there is a stilted water village, but that’s about it. Every country has something nice to see, but after a few days in Brunei, you’ll be bored and move on quickly. Once is enough.

The water village in Bandar Seri Begawan

Getting a haircut in Kenya

I’m halfway through my first haircut in Kenya when the barber starts rummaging through the drawers. He has shaved the back and sides of my head, and then sheepishly admits that he does not have a pair of scissors. A barber shop without scissors?! ‘I’ll be back soon,’ he promises and he rushes from the store. He returns a few minutes later brandishing a pair of children’s art & craft scissors. They are made of plastic and are blunt. He hacks at my hair, snipping and yanking, and at the end of the torturous process the reflection in the mirror is of someone with alopecia.

‘Bwana, just shave it,’ I plead. Once is enough, next time I’ll find an Indian barber.